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Madonna to sing at Super Bowl 2012 halftime – Was Michael Jackson not available or something?

Yikes.

Football-watching faghags of the world, rejoice!

For the rest of us, the prospects of Madonna, 53-year-old transvestite and upmost practitioner of the fake British accent, gracing the field at venerable Lucas Oil Field for the now un-important Super Bowl 2012 halftime show should not be as terrifying as it seems.

If you’re a dude – or a really cool chick – then you’re either too busy getting hammered, stuffing your gourd full of chicken fingers, taking a leak, reading Ulysses, doing your taxes, or any other multitude of minutia instead of frying the synapses of your brain matter by watching any halftime show, let alone one featuring a washed-up crone  that hasn’t had a hit record in almost twenty years and who is also responsible for unleashing some of the worst cinematic septic waste this side of Adam Sandler.

So why complain? When’s the last time you actually watched a Super Bowl halftime?

The last halftime show I had the pleasure of witnessing, while not taking place at the Super Bowl itself but nonetheless worthy of a spot in the Super Bowl of public fiascos, was Ashlee Simpson’s transcendent 2005 Orange Bowl performance. On the level of shear vocal strength and emotion, I can only rank Janis Joplin’s set at the 1967 Monterrey Pops festival as a better example of live vocals by a female artist.

So break out your copy of Sex, fire up the Shanghai Surprise, and wear your bra on the outside of your clothing, ‘cause we’re gonna do this shit like it’s 1989.

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